Because life's too stupid to take seriously

As a community-minded person, I’m always looking for ways to improve people’s lives and make a lot of money in the process. Well, I think I’ve finally worked out how to do it, thanks to the mobile phone industry.

No, I’m not going to start inventing new ringtones, even though there’s certainly plenty of money in it. (People spent $30 billion on ringtones last year, which means a lot of teenagers will be asking for a bigger allowance). There are too many obnoxious sounds out there already – even without telemarketers.

Of course, things have changed a lot over the years. The early ringtones sounded like a two-year-old playing a recorder, making you want to grab the phone and hurl it against a wall. These days, ringtones can sound like a demented frog making motorbike noises… making you want to grab the phone and hurl it against a wall.

And now, thanks to the hardworking people in the mobile phone industry who keep pushing technology to the limit (not to mention everyone’s credit cards), ringtones are about to change again.

With the new third-generation phones (known as ‘3G’ phones, because that’s roughly how much they’ll cost), people will be able to download actual recordings of songs and use them as ringtones. So now, instead of a demented frog making motorbike noises, you’ll be subjected to something even worse – the “Top 20” songs they’re already playing on the radio a hundred times a day (even more if they’re having a “music marathon”).

You’ve probably only heard the first few seconds of these songs, depending on how long it takes you to switch radio stations or rip out the power cord. But now you’ll be forced to listen to at least 30 seconds worth (i.e. the same four bars repeated a hundred times) while the person fishes it out of their bag, looks at the number being displayed, works out who’s calling them, and finally pushes the button to answer it. Assuming someone hasn’t killed them in the meantime.

Discussion question: Have you ever seen someone look at the number, go “Nope, don’t want to talk to you” and hang up? Or do they talk for twenty minutes, hang up, and then turn to their friend and say, “I wish he wouldn’t keep ringing me”. Do you think there’s a setting on their phone that stops them from doing it, in case they accidentally hang up on a boy they like?

At one stage I thought I could make my money by hiring myself out to answer people’s mobile phones. I’d answer the call for them, say who’s ringing, and either give the phone to them or end it appropriately. “I’m sorry, but Jenny does not wish to speak to you right now, and suggests that you walk out onto the highway and try to stop a bus with your head.”

But then I read a story in The Sunday Mail about people who couldn’t use their mobile phones in Brisbane’s “black spots”, which apparently can’t be killed with pimple cream. And that’s when I realised how I could make my fortune: colouring in all the black spots for money.

No, that’s when I realised people would probably pay a lot of money to live in an area where they wouldn’t hear anyone’s ringtone, or those stupid beeps whenever someone gets a text message that normal people can’t understand, such as “DO U WAN2 C ME L8R” (literally, “My thumb hurts”).

So if you’d like to live an area where you will never have to listen to another mobile phone ringing again, then send me lots of money, and I’ll let you know when the place is finished and ready to move into (Just look for the sign saying, “Welcome to the town of… hello… hello?”)

And if you’re bringing your two-year-old, make sure they’ve got something in their mouth besides a recorder.

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