Just when you thought you could watch movies without the subtitles again, Sylvester Stallone is talking about making another Rambo film.
It’s been nearly 20 years since we last saw John Rambo, the Vietnam veteran with so many medals he’d rather walk than try to get through airport security. And with Sly turning 59 this year, the question everyone’s asking is, why make another one now?
Some say he’s doing it so people will forget about Spy Kids 3D, while others say he’s getting back at his mother for appearing on Britain’s Celebrity Big Brother. But whatever the reason, Sly is ‘psyched’ about it.
“We’re in the kitchen and we’re cooking,” he said. Or at least that’s what the reporter thinks he said. The way Sly speaks, it could have been anything.
For those of you who weren’t around during the 80s (or who were, but are taking medication to forget) and don’t know what it’s all about, here’s a summary of the first three Rambo movies.
In First Blood, Rambo drifts into the small town of Hope (“Population: 16,000 and about to plummet”) for something to eat. But before he can even find a Burger King the local sheriff escorts him out of town, because that’s what it says in the script.
This really ticks off Rambo (they didn’t have drive-through in Vietnam), and so when he’s arrested for bad acting he quickly escapes and heads to the hills. The police learn about the medals, but come after him anyway, because what can an expert in Guerrilla warfare possibly do to them in the dark? Of course Rambo (now disguised as a tree) nearly wipes them out.
They limp back into town, and call in the military, which blows up the cave he’s hiding in. (They used the same script to try and catch Osama Bin Laden.)
Fearing the film will be too short, Rambo escapes, heads into town, and blows up most of it. Finally, he sees his old CO Colonel Trautman, and makes a heartfelt speech that linguistic experts are still trying to translate.
In Rambo: First Blood, Part II, Rambo is smashing rocks with some friends when the Colonel offers him a job with the paparazzi. His assignment is to go to back to Vietnam and “just take pictures”. But when he spots some Americans being tortured, he rescues one of them and heads back to be picked up.
Of course, when the chopper pilot realises it’s not a Survivor contestant he heads back, leaving Rambo at the mercy of the locals, as well as some Russians who think Vietnam is a great place to try out their English.
A local girl helps Rambo escape, and when she gets killed he finds a chopper and goes ballistic, firing enough ammunition to affect the earth’s rotation. Luckily, all the Americans survive, and after taking out a Russian gunship with a rocket launcher he finds in the glove compartment, he delivers the Americans safely.
He receives another medal, but rather than risk breaking his back, Rambo runs away to Thailand.
Rambo III starts with our hero taking part in a stick fight to see who will be the drummer in their new band. (He tried out as lead singer, but no-one could understand him.) Then, while fixing a roof on Bangkok’s “How To” channel, the Colonel finds him and asks him to come on a holiday to Afghanistan. Rambo says no, but the Colonel goes anyway, only to be arrested for driving without his headlights on.
When Rambo finds out, he mounts a rescue mission with the locals to rescue the Colonel and fight some more Russians, who realise that Vietnam was a stupid place to try out their English, and are giving Afghanistan a shot.
So what will Rambo get up to this time? Hunt down Osama Bin Laden? Look for Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq? Or maybe just head off to Russia to improve his English skills?
Whatever he does, one thing is certain.
You will definitely need subtitles.
