If you’ve just started a family, then you’ve probably thought about getting a pet, because sleep deprivation has turned your brain to mush.
No, actually there are good reasons for having a pet in the house when you’ve got kids. According to various studies, having a pet teaches them essential life skills, such as nurturing, non-verbal communication, and trying to eat everything they see.
(Needless to say, the people conducting these studies don’t have kids.)
What you need to do now is work out what kind of pet to buy. And chances are it will come down to either a cat or a dog. Sure, you could get something smaller like a bird or a fish, but these pets don’t last very long – especially if your child tries to pat them.
So which one should you choose? Well, over the years I’ve lived with both, and I can honestly say they each have their good and bad points – although the cat’s bad points are usually a lot sharper.
One good thing about cats is they’re very clean animals, and usually do their business outside. (I’m not sure what their business is, but it probably involves catching live animals, because they always seem to be bringing their work home.)
But don’t think your child can run up to a cat, pull its tail and get away with it. No, your child won’t get anywhere near that close. In fact, your child probably won’t even see the cat. They’ll just walk out one morning and find all the furniture ripped to shreds.
Dogs on the other hand, are very people-friendly. Your child can virtually rip its tail off, and five minutes later it will be back, licking their face. This is partly because they’re stupid, but mostly because kids’ faces are often covered in food.
But dogs aren’t perfect. They bark at practically anything, and soon your letterbox will be so jammed with death threats that you might not get your lingerie catalogues. And if you think your child poops a lot, just wait until you get a dog. (No, you can’t put nappies on them.)
Still, when it comes to the safety of your child you might think the dog is a better choice, especially if the dog lives outside. And you’re probably right – unless of course your dog joins the “wrong crowd” and starts getting high on hallucinogenic poison like they are here in Australia.
According to a report in Adelaide’s The Advertiser, dogs in the Northern Territory are licking the backs of cane toads and getting high from the poison. And if you’re asking yourself why they’d even try such a thing, then you’ve obviously never owned a dog.
Megan Pickering, a vet in the town of Katherine, said that after licking the toads the dogs “get a smile on their face and look like they are going to wander off into the sunset”. And they probably will, just as soon as they can get their paws on the canine equivalent of a kebab.
We have cane toads here in Queensland too, and so it will only be a matter of time before the local dogs hear about it and start “experimenting” as well, thinking it can’t be any worse than what they’ve been licking so far. It won’t take long for them to find out either, as a dog’s bark can be heard for miles – especially at night outside my bedroom window.
So if you own a dog, you might want to keep an eye out for cane toads. And if you notice your dog acting even more stupid than usual, you should grab your dog and lock it up somewhere safe before it goes wandering off into the sunset.
The good news is you’ll finally be able to get some sleep. At least until your kid wakes up again.
