Valentine’s Day is almost here, and guys around the world are working out how to best convey those three little words: “I’m really sorry”.
But ladies, before you cross out the word “Gorgeous” on that card for your “Drop Dead Gorgeous” man, I should point out that he really did try. It’s just that Valentine’s Day is a totally non-guy concept – like Power Tool Appreciation Day would be to you.
Let’s face it: Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a way for greeting card companies to make money (something flatly denied by Hallmark during their press conference announcing National Greeting Card Day in August.)
“But how hard can it be?” you ask. “All he has to do is buy me some flowers, maybe a nice piece of jewellery, and take me out to dinner.” But for most guys, you may as well be asking them to split an atom, and it’s just as likely to blow up in your face.
(Incidentally, if a guy had to choose between the two, he’d definitely choose splitting the atom, because it means he has an excuse to tinker around in his tool shed all night. “Now where did I put that chisel…?”)
Let’s start with the flowers. The “rules” say that you should buy your partner a bunch of her favourite flowers. But the average guy has no idea what his partner’s favourite flower is. In fact, he wouldn’t even be able to name a flower let alone pick one out, unless it happened to be a rose. Then he’s happy, until he realises that one long-stemmed rose costs as much as the monthly car payment.
But of course, guys, you don’t just buy a bunch of flowers. No, you have to buy an “arrangement”, which is just like a bunch of flowers except it costs twice as much. The florists also talk about something called “baby’s breath”, which most guys don’t want to know anything about, at least not for a few years.
Hint for women: If you really want those flowers, just go ahead and order them yourself (but say they’re from him on the card). Don’t worry – he’ll be in such a tizz about the whole event that he’ll just assume he bought them somehow. (Of course, to complete the illusion, you should also charge it all to his credit card.)
And if you thought guys were clueless about flowers, then you obviously haven’t seen him try to buy jewellery. Actually, you probably never have seen him buy jewellery, because the only piece of jewellery he owns is a watch. And you bought it for him.
Please, be grateful for whatever he buys you, because the price tags will have his head spinning so fast he’ll have bought whatever the salesperson showed him. “Oh, look,” you’ll hear yourself saying. “A calculator. How thoughtful.”
Hint for guys: Women will love any jewellery you buy them, especially if it has a) lots of glittering jewels, and b) the receipt.
Traditionally, the evening wraps up with a romantic candlelit dinner for the two of you. Of course, all the good restaurants were booked out months ago, and so you’re probably going to have to settle for a slightly less romantic restaurant where they call out your number when your meal is ready. But look on the bright side: imagine how happy you’ll be if you end up winning that meat hamper.
If you really want to have a romantic day with your man, forget about the stupid traditions, and just spend the day with him. He’ll cook for you (providing there’s popcorn in the cupboard), and he’ll hold your hand while you watch television (he may even tell you how the scoring works). And at the end of the night, if you’re really lucky, he may take you by the hand and lead you to the most sacred of places.
His tool shed.
