In a bid to look ‘cool’ without having to wear baseball caps backwards, the Australian government is banning compulsory student union fees at universities, and fining anyone who tries to introduce other compulsory charges (such as the “give us some money or we’ll fail you” fee) to get around the decision.
These fees pay for vital student services, such as cheap alcohol, diaries to keep track of their overdue assignments, and felt tip pens to write “Down with [insert name of cause here]” slogans on their bed sheets to wave at whatever protest is coming to town.
Of course, the students think the fee cuts are a great idea, because it will give them more money to spend on things they really need, such as decent beer, food or, if they’re really desperate, textbooks.
But according to an article by Steven Wardill in The Courier-Mail, the move has “sent shockwaves through the tertiary sector”. Naturally this got the engineering students all excited, until they realised it was a journalistic cliché and not the plotline for a new Star Trek movie.
Now the universities are working on other ways to come up with the money. And with some of the most brilliant minds in the country (as measured by the number of acronyms after their name) working on the problem, they’re certainly coming up with some interesting proposals.
The first thing they’ll try, of course, is asking the government for more money. But I doubt the politicians will come to the party, because everyone will be drunk and try to steal their ties. Besides, why would they want to pay students to yell obscenities outside their offices and risk spilling their cappuccinos?
So the universities are looking at other businesses to help them come up with the cash. Sydney University has indicated (probably with a banner, if it hasn’t run out of felt tip pens) that it may introduce poker machines. This will be great for the students – they’ll have a much better chance of getting money out of a poker machine than out of the government.
But I doubt we’ll be seeing poker machines at universities here in Queensland any time soon. University of Queensland union president Leah Sanderson said they’d be looking at other funding sources before they looked at poker machines. My guess is they’re leaning more towards roulette tables so the staff can earn some extra money as croupiers.
The Queensland University of Technology (“A university for the real world, wherever that is”) won’t be getting any poker machines, either. According to Guild president Kate Perry, poker machines were not an option at QUT (probably because there’s a chance they could pay out, unlike the vending machines currently scattered around the campus).
But she did say they were considering more lenient rules to allow big business (i.e. anyone with money) to gain a greater foothold on campus. So we could soon have McDonalds “restaurants” at university, posing a serious challenge to the student cafeteria as the biggest oil-producing facility in the area.
I think it would be great for McDonalds to get involved at universities, and not just so the Arts students can go straight from the graduation ceremony to their first job without leaving campus. They could actually help people with their education.
For instance, they could run a competition where every time you buy a burger or drink, you get to peel off a sticker to reveal a letter. Then, when you’ve collected enough letters to spell ‘degree’, ‘diploma’, or even ‘doctorate’, you get to graduate. (If you think it’s a silly idea, I’ve got two words for you: ‘Honorary Doctorate’.)
And finally, when you’re at the ceremony to receive your McDegree, and the Chancellor is shaking your hand, you’ll finally hear the words you’ve been waiting to hear ever since your first day at university.
“You want honours with that?”
