Thanks to the millions of computers, cables and porn sites that make up the Internet, my column can be read by millions of people around the world. And if you’ve read a few, you may even be thinking about coming to Australia to break my fingers.
But before you book that plane ticket, you should find out a bit about this wide brown land. And then, once you know all about my front garden, you should learn about Australia, and the people who live here.
There’s no point going to a travel agent, because they’ll tell you anything to get you on a plane and out of the country. That’s why your ticket was so cheap – it’s only one-way.
Trouble is, the Internet isn’t going to be much help, either. According to an article by Kate Patterson in The Sunday Mail, a lot of the travel web sites designed to teach people about Australia are “fraught with out-of-date guidelines”.
This raises an obvious question, namely: What does “fraught” mean? But we should also question what is being said on these web sites. Looking at the article, here are just some of the things people are being told:
- “G’day” is still the standard greeting.
- Eating with your hands is acceptable.
- Many Australians don’t wear shoes.
- Swearing is quite common.
- Australians are difficult to impress.
- “Fraught” is a real word.
So just how inaccurate are these guidelines? Local manners expert Patsy Rowe said, “I had to have two puffs of Ventolin when I read that”. (Obviously she’d run out of Chardonnay.)
Well, I for one don’t want Australia to become the Ventolin inhaling capital of the world. So to set the record straight, here are the myths and realities of Australia and its people (I’ll let you decide which is which).
“G’day” is still the standard greeting.
The only people who’ll greet you this way are a) tourists, and b) guys trying to demonstrate how “manly” they are around women. They usually follow it up with a handshake, where they try to crush as many bones in your hand as possible.
Most Australians will greet you in a more traditional manner, such as “Hello”, “Hey you!” or “Have you got any spare change?”
Eating with your hands is acceptable.
Hey, you should be thankful. When I was at university I had to watch someone eat an entire meal with his hands tied behind his back.
The truth is, unless it’s something like pizza or KFC, we use knives and forks like everyone else. Just don’t make us use chopsticks unless you’re willing to risk losing an eye.
Many Australians don’t wear shoes.
If by “shoes” they mean “sneakers endorsed by some sports star that cost more than a small car”, then they’re right. We wear regular shoes, although during summer we tend to wear either sandals or thongs to stop our feet from spontaneously combusting.
About the only time we don’t wear shoes is when we’re at the beach.
Swearing is quite common.
Probably because we’ve just stepped on a syringe at the beach.
While we swear more than people in, say, England (then again, so does the Pope), we’re nowhere near as bad as they are in the American cop shows we see on television. In fact, that’s how most Australians learn to swear in the first place, which is why we rarely do it before 8:30pm.
Australians are difficult to impress.
Actually, we’re very easy to impress. All it takes is four words: “Drinks are on me”.
As you can see, we’re really no different from anyone else. So grab that ticket, jump on that plane, and let us show you our food, our beaches, and our hospitality. And if we happen to meet up somewhere, I’d really like to shake your hand.
Just go easy on the fingers, okay?
