It’s a “boom” time in the real estate market right now (“boom” being the sound people’s hearts make when they work out the monthly repayments). People are buying up properties left, right and centre because they’re sick of wasting their money paying rent when they could be wasting their money paying interest.
You may even be one of these people, unpacking the last of the boxes and trying to find a place for everything. (I recommend the dumpster.)
Well, if you think you can put your feet up on whatever furniture you have and relax, then you’ve obviously forgotten the next step in home ownership – hosting the all-important housewarming party.
This tradition dates back to prehistoric times, when primitive man would find a new cave and then light a fire inside to make it feel like a home. Unfortunately this would wake up the vicious beast still living there (they didn’t have leases back then), which would then decide to “eat in”. Eventually primitive man learned that to make it feel like a home he also needed to be surrounded by his primitive friends – especially those who ran slower than he did.
Of course, these days we no longer have vicious beasts to worry about (they’re called bank managers now). But it’s still traditional to have friends around to help you celebrate your new purchase, though hopefully yours are a little more evolved.
The first thing you need to do is work out which friends you’ll invite. Like most parties, the trick is to invite those people who’ll bring that certain something to the occasion (i.e. an expensive gift). And while you can’t actually tell them what to buy, you can certainly offer a hint in your invitation. “We’d love you to come to a party at our new home which, unfortunately, doesn’t have a 42-inch plasma TV.”
As your guests arrive, you’ll need to show them each room and explain what it is. “This is the kitchen,” you’ll say, pointing to the kitchen. If you want to make a bit of a game of it, you could point to a room and say, “Guess what this is”. (If you really want to liven things up, point to a room and say, “This is where we sacrifice the goats”.)
The traditional housewarming meal is the backyard barbecue, which serves two important functions:
- It provides a relaxed, carefree setting where people can mingle, and
- It keeps everyone out of the house.
This means you’ll need lots of meat, sausages and tomato sauce. Don’t bother buying the expensive stuff – it all tastes the same when it’s burnt.
Drinks are easier to organise, because everyone will bring their own. But they still need to be kept cold. A good idea is to fill your bath with ice, and put all the drinks in there. Not only will it keep them cool during the night, it will also stop people trying to use it as a bed for the night. (If someone does fall asleep in there, draw some scars on their chest and leave a note saying you’ve removed their kidneys.)
As the host, you’ll spend most of the night “circulating”. This is a great time to catch up with friends you haven’t seen lately, because you’ve got an excuse to get away from them when they start telling you about their son’s toilet training. “I’d better keep circulating,” you’ll say, and disappear into the night, vowing to join the witness protection program as soon as possible.
Eventually it will be time to call it a night (at least that’s what the police will tell you), and you’ll be left to clean up the cans, paper plates and sleeping bodies scattered around the yard.
Don’t worry. It won’t be long before you’ll get an invite to their housewarming party, and you’ll be able to return the favour.
Just make sure you pick out a suitable gift. I’d start looking in that dumpster.
