Covering Your Arts

January 9, 2005

Everyone wants to be famous these days. We’re all sick of our nine-to-five-but-it-feels-like-seven-to-seven jobs, and just want to sit around all day and get paid squillions of dollars for our exclusive story on why we prefer coffee to tea. The bad thing about being famous is that everyone wants to see you naked. Now you [...]

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A Brief Report From The Front

January 6, 2005

Just when you thought you could face alcohol again, another New Years celebration is coming up. And this one will be far noisier than your mates singing “Auld Lang Syne” at the top of their lungs. The Chinese New Year starts on February 9, and is marked by a new moon (as opposed to a [...]

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Gonna Start A Resolution

January 2, 2005

Congratulations! You’ve survived yet another Christmas, and now here you are at the start of a brand new year (unless you drank too much on New Year’s Eve, in which case you probably slept through all of January and half of February. Happy Valentine’s Day!) But don’t think you can just sit there (okay, lie [...]

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No Ticket Required

February 1, 2004

When I was a kid, the only place to see a movie was the drive-in.  Everyone would pile into the car (or the boot if money was tight), and spend the entire night going “What did he say?” because the window speaker had less power than a 20-watt light bulb. Then movies started coming out [...]

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Cool Statistics

May 1, 2003

Whenever I’m at a party and someone asks me what I do for a living, I immediately tell them I’m a humour columnist.  I never say it’s what I do for a living.  I just don’t mention that I’m a public servant.  And if they happen to walk away thinking I get paid to write [...]

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In The Hot Seat

November 24, 2002

It’s time to take a look at what those clever scientists have been up to lately, and seriously consider whether they’ve sniffed the contents of their test tubes once too often. I base this theory on an article I’ve just read in The Courier-Mail (“For readers who expect more from life, though hopefully not from [...]

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Relatively Speaking

June 16, 2002

When people find out I’m a humour columnist (which, considering they’ve only got my columns to go on, can take some time), the first question they ask is, “Why don’t you get a real job and contribute something useful to society?” Well, I’m proud to report that last night I made my contribution.  I embarrassed [...]

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Food For Thought

May 19, 2002

As a humour columnist, people often take me to fancy restaurants, thinking that: I’m a well-known humour columnist, so they’ll be eating with a celebrity I’m a paid humour columnist who can charge the entire meal to my expense account I always go to fancy restaurants. But they soon realise they’re wrong on all three [...]

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Oh, Brother!

April 7, 2002

The second season of Big Brother starts tonight here in Australia, and so the obvious question is, “Why aren’t you in the Big Brother house, Bill?  I could do with a break from you for a few months”. Good one, guys.  You know, it’s the friendly digs I get from you all that really makes [...]

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What goes up, must stay up

March 31, 2002

In my never-ending quest to understand what women think of us guys, I’ve just finished flicking through one of Lynda’s magazines.  (You have to flick these days to avoid being caught staring at pairs of breasts.)  And guess what I found out?  We’re all disgusting pigs. We belch at inappropriate times (from both ends), would [...]

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